I think we all think of love as 'magical' and intangible, and it is, but there’s also some real science happening under the surface when we connect with someone. Whether it’s a first date, a long-term partner, or even just a cuddle on the couch, our bodies are quietly pumping out hormones that shape the way we bond, feel safe, and experience love.

And here’s where it gets even more interesting: men and women tend to bond differently — not because of stereotypes, but because of the unique hormone cocktails flowing through our systems during connection.

Let’s break down the key players in the hormonal love story — and how they show up differently for men and women.

Oxytocin: The “Cuddle Hormone” (Especially Strong in Women)

Oxytocin is often called the love or bonding hormone, and for good reason. It’s released during physical touch, emotional closeness, and especially during sex, breastfeeding, and even eye contact.

In women, oxytocin plays a huge role in emotional intimacy. It helps us feel connected, nurtured, and safe. After sex, oxytocin surges can create that warm “I want to snuggle forever” feeling — which is not always mirrored in men, because…

Men experience bonding more strongly through vasopressin, a hormone closely related to oxytocin but with a slightly different vibe. It’s tied to loyalty, protection, and territoriality — think “provider and protector” energy.

Interestingly, vasopressin is stimulated through acts of service, shared experiences, and even food. This might be why that old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” isn’t just a cliché — it’s backed by biology.

When a man feels respected, needed, or like he’s “providing,” his vasopressin levels surge — and with it, his emotional attachment.

Dopamine: The Thrill of the Chase (For Everyone)

Dopamine is the brain’s pleasure and reward chemical. It spikes during new, exciting experiences — like those butterflies you get when someone texts you back immediately or compliments you out of nowhere.

In the early stages of dating, dopamine fuels the infatuation phase. But when it fades (as it naturally does), many couples feel confused or less “in love.” That’s not a sign that something’s wrong — it’s a sign that you’re shifting from the dopamine high of newness to the oxytocin and vasopressin stage of deeper bonding.

Testosterone & Estrogen: The Desire Dynamic

We can’t talk about love and connection without touching on the hormones of desire.

Testosterone fuels sexual drive, motivation, and confidence — in both men and women.

Estrogen contributes to emotional attunement, arousal, and sensitivity — again, for everyone, but especially women.

When these hormones are in sync, physical intimacy feels natural and connected. When they’re imbalanced (or when stress hormones get in the way — looking at you, cortisol), desire can flatline or feel disconnected.

Understanding the hormonal blueprint of connection isn’t about labeling or limiting — it’s about deepening compassion. If your partner doesn’t bond the same way you do, it doesn’t mean they care less. It might just mean their body is wired differently.

💡 A woman might need emotional closeness to want sex. A man might need physical touch to feel emotionally close. Neither is wrong — it’s just two different chemical roads to the same destination: connection.

A Few Ways to Support Healthy Bonding Hormones in Your Relationship:

Physical touch — cuddling, holding hands, massages

Meaningful eye contact — even just 30 seconds a day

Shared meals and acts of service — especially supportive for men

Creating safety — calm nervous systems = more oxytocin

New experiences together — dopamine loves novelty

Final Thoughts: Love Is Chemistry… and Choice

Yes, hormones guide us. But how we love, show up, and stay committed is a dance between biology and intention. When we understand our partner’s hormonal love language, we can meet them with more grace, empathy, and presence.

The dynamics of romantic relationships are complex and influenced by the interplay of various hormones. For instance, the initial stages of attraction may be dominated by dopamine and norepinephrine, leading to heightened energy and focus on a partner. As relationships progress, oxytocin and vasopressin contribute to deeper bonding and attachment. Understanding these hormonal influences can foster greater awareness of our emotional responses and behaviors in relationships

While love and connection are deeply personal experiences, they are also influenced by a complex interplay of hormones that affect our emotions and behaviors. By understanding the roles of oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, and other hormones, we can gain insight into the biological foundations of our relationships, leading to greater self-awareness and empathy towards our partners. Because at the end of the day — love isn’t just in the brain, the heart, or the body. It’s in all three, woven together by the chemicals that help us feel seen, safe, and soft.

How We Fall in Love

It feels like we often think of hormones as something only teenagers or pregnant women have to deal with- but in reality, hormones impact everyone, every. single. day. From the way we manage stress, to our sex drive, sleep quality, emotional regulation, energy levels, and even how connected we feel in our relationships, hormonal balance is like an invisible puppet master running the show called 'life'.

With all of that in mind, I want to highlight key hormones that affect 

 men & women, how imbalances show up, and what that might look like in our day-to-day lives.

Testosterone: It’s Not Just a “Male” Hormone

Testosterone gets all the attention when it comes to men’s health, but women also produce testosterone (just in much smaller amounts), and imbalances can create major ripple effects for either or.

• Infertility (yes, too much can disrupt sperm production)

While we often associate high testosterone with virility, it can easily tip into imbalance, causing emotional volatility, restlessness, or even a disconnection from positive emotions.

 (tied to conditions like PCOS) can show up as:

 — which is rarely talked about — can have its own impact:

• Mood changes, feeling flat or depressed

Balanced testosterone levels help with energy, confidence, sex drive, and overall vitality — regardless of gender. It’s not about having more, it’s about having what’s right for your body.

Cortisol is your body’s built-in alarm system. It’s designed to protect you in times of stress, but modern life keeps it going off way too often.

High cortisol levels over time can lead to:

(it can and will mess with everything else too)

The body doesn’t differentiate between 'real' danger and typical everyday stress (

aka: unread emails, social media comparison spirals, chronic people-pleasing, etc.

). High cortisol messes with our ability to feel safe, which is a direct line to how we show up in our relationships, intimacy, and emotional resilience.

Progesterone: The Calming, Grounding Hormone

Progesterone is essentially the unsung hero of the hormonal world— specifically for women. It balances estrogen, supports sleep, and brings a sense of peace & calm.

• Anxiety or mood swings (especially before menstruation)

 (less common, but possible) might show up as:

• Feeling “off” but not knowing why (often misattributed to PMS or stress)

While progesterone is typically tied to the female reproductive system, men also produce small amounts. For men, it helps balance estrogen and supports mood, brain health, and libido. Low levels in men can contribute to irritability, anxiety, and poor sleep quality — but it’s less commonly tested or treated.

Estrogen: Essential for More Than Just Periods

Estrogen plays a powerful role in women's bodies, and of course, men have it too. It's essential for heart health, mood regulation, cognitive function, and more.

• PMS symptoms like irritability or bloating

 estrogen (especially during perimenopause or intense stress) in 

• Gynecomastia (breast tissue development)

• Weight gain, especially in the midsection

Bottom Line: Hormones Aren’t the Enemy, They’re Messengers

Although sometimes it feels like it, hormones aren’t here to punish us. They’re responding to what we consume: our environments, thoughts, nourishment, sleep, stress, and our relationships. If you're feeling off emotionally, physically, and/or sexually, there’s a good chance your hormones are out of balance. Utilizing an endocrinologist or just tuning into your body’s cues (and working with a functional medicine or integrative practitioner) can help bring things back into balance. If you decide to get your hormone levels tested, make sure to ask for Thyroid, Sex, Adrenal, and Pituitary hormones to be included.

The more we understand the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, ways our hormones affect us, the quicker we can find a resolution!

Our Inner Chemistry Shapes Our Outer World

Hormones & Humans :) 

Having regular relationship check-ins can be immensely beneficial. 

Sure it sounds awkward and maybe even corporate-y, but in reality, most couples don't regularly check in with one another which oftentimes leads to a blow-up argument over something small that could have been addressed and resolved so much sooner.

You're probably wondering, 'Okay, what am I supposed to talk about during a check-in with my partner?' Well, here are a few simple starter questions that will more than likely help initiate a meaningful conversation about the health of your relationship:

, it doesn't matter if you're in a new relationship or have been together for decades. Starting these check-ins now is always better than never starting at all! As you become more comfortable and vulnerable with each other, these check-ins will become a cherished ritual in your relationship, and you will look forward to them.

Regular relationship check-ins are a powerful tool for maintaining a healthy and thriving partnership. By engaging in open and honest conversations, addressing concerns, and fostering better communication, you can strengthen your bond and prevent unnecessary conflicts. Make it a habit, and watch how your relationship flourishes as a result.

Do you and your partner check in regularly about your relationship?

Just checking in

Why might a couple need to break up even if they still love each other? 

There are so many reasons couples should or need to break up even if they're still in love or love one another. Generally, couples (or at least one-half of the couple) are still in love or love one another when they break up. Something I continue to tell clients, friends, family, or anyone that will listen hah, 

 to keep the relationship fulfilling, progressing, and together. 

Society has engrained the thought that love is always enough, but that's just not the case! Love is usually what keeps us from ending relationships that should have ended long ago. You can 'love' sleeping with the lights on, but that doesn't mean it's good for you (it's actually terrible for you, btw). From trauma bonding to getting stuck in a pattern or habit with an individual, it sometimes seems easier to just continue partaking in than start anew in the unknown. Many times this prevents partners from growing individually (but in the same direction) and the relationship becomes stagnant.

Honestly, trust in the universe that what's meant for you, won't miss you. Knowing that if you can love someone 

, that doesn't necessarily benefit you in away way, think of how much you can love someone that 

Focus on things that do bring you joy. Make sure you involve movement, therapy, and trying new things in your routine(s). Also, 

, grieving the loss of a relationship takes time and it always comes and goes in waves, as with any loss. Treat yourself with kindness and respect, and give yourself the grace to do so at your own pace.

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How do you walk away from a relationship with someone you're still in love with?

In love, but breaking up.

Speaking not only from experience as a Therapist and coach but personally as well, I know we’re all always curious and desire to know 

. However, maybe you’re not confrontational or perhaps you never know when the right moment to ask is, or is asking even sexy? Will it ruin the mood? 

Here are the uncensored thoughts, feelings, feedback, and suggestions from men & women on what constitutes as phenomenal foreplay. Essentially, if they could tell any future person that they're with (or current lol) intimately, what exactly would they want them to be doing?

What *do* we like in bed?

Let’s start with the obvious, kinks and fetishes clearly overlap. A fetish is always a kink, but a kink is 

 are recognized as alternative sexual acts or interests outside of standard sexual practices, whereas a 

 is recognized as a specific object, body part, or behavior that is absolutely required for someone's sexual pleasure, arousal, or enjoyment. In the absence of said object(s) or behavior, the individual will find it difficult or even impossible to experience sexual enjoyment at all. Fetishes are generally forms of kinks. This also brings partialism into play. Partialism is the focus on one specific body part isolated from the rest (think foot fetish).

If you enjoy including impact play in the bedroom, that’s a kink. 

If you need to be bound and gagged to get off, that’s a fetish. 

If you love when your partner praises you throughout the day and in bed, that’s a kink.

If you can’t orgasm without being covered in urine, that’s a fetish.

If you want to figure out if you have a kink or a fetish, answer the below questions:

“Okay, cool! I don’t have a kink or fetish, but my partner does and I don’t know how to get into it.”

Oftentimes we don't even recognize we have a kink or are into something alternative until someone introduces it or wants to try it with us for the first time. However, getting into a kink on your own accord is very different than trying to get into a kink for someone else. You don't necessarily have to be stoked about a partner's kink to enjoy the overall experience with them, not to mention, enjoy pleasuring or being pleasured by them as well. Generally, we are more turned on by our partner experiencing any type of pleasure than the actual act itself anyway. This is all to say that rather than trying to be exceptionally turned on by a kink or fetish that isn't just coming naturally, the willingness, effort, and excitement around any kink or fetish your partner has will 9/10 times be more than enough! 

Most people tend to use these words interchangeably, and whether you have some or not, it’s worth knowing the differences (and similarities)!

Kink vs. Fetish?

This specific topic comes up in sessions 

. Usually, one half of the partnership is interested in opening up the relationship, and the other half is either 

. doesn’t know enough about it or how to get started in a comfortable and 

 way. With that in mind, let's go through some of the key points to reflect on and discuss with your partner 

If your partner is the one who initiated this conversation, the first thing I really want you to think about is, is getting on board with your partner's request something you actually 

 to do. Too often opening up a relationship begins and progresses as a very one-sided dynamic. When both individuals aren't fully on board, I promise you, it will not work nor end well. In an effort to avoid that happening, the questions below offer the opportunity to reflect on and discuss this new dynamic with your partner.

Is this request coming from a place of unresolved issues?

Will opening up the relationship actually make you or your partner 'happy'? or is this a bandaid to a much larger internal or marital/relationship issue? If yes, it will make you or them happier, what about the new dynamic is going to bring you or your partner said happiness? Is it the sex, the attention, the conversation, the gifts, etc.? 

If your partner is the one who initiated the conversation, ruminate on the reasons they list and if they are areas of the relationship that you may not have been showing up in. Ask your partner if the reasons they mention are things that 

 are able to bring to the table and if the relationship can be repaired internally before opening up the relationship to have those needs met elsewhere.

In the latter case of the above question, what would working on the relationship internally look like? Is it making time to spend uninterrupted quality time together every day? Scheduled date days/nights? Maybe it's having mutual intimate initiation or even exploring different aspects of intimacy, kinks, or fetishes you've not yet tried. Think about what would need to be implemented to ensure success within your relationship.

In the former case of the above question, seek clarification on what your partner is actually looking for in becoming ethically non-monogamous (ENM). Are they seeking polyamory, an open relationship, casual sex, swinging, cuckolding, threesomes, etc? All of these are very different and it's best to know ahead of time so there's no confusion later.

Reflect on how an open relationship could benefit your current relationship dynamic (and you in general). Think along the lines of emotional, physical, sexual, etc. Discuss this with your partner as well so you can understand their perspective and they yours.

“Okay sweet, I’m in!” Amazing! If you’re on board, the next best step is to create boundaries and guidelines around your ideal situation. 

Discuss what the new dynamic would ideally look like, what you’re both hoping for out of this change, and the boundaries and guidelines that will be put in place to ensure comfort on both ends. 

Example boundary and guideline topics to discuss to get the ball rolling in the right direction:

, both partners need to be in full agreement about the boundaries and guidelines of this new dynamic, as ethical non-monogamy requires consent from all parties. This is only possible when you ensure everyone is comfortable and able to get what they need and want from the new dynamic.

In the end, the decision to work on your relationship internally, open it up, or even end the relationship entirely, comes down to you and your partners' happiness, safety, and goals for the relationship. Taking the time needed to reflect, confront, and have important and informed discussions around the issue will make it that much easier and overall fulfilling.

Whether you're initiating the opening up of your relationship or have been asked by your partner, here are a few things you'll want to consider before moving forward.

Thinking about opening up your marriage or relationship?

Debating taking a step back and initiating a break from your relationship, but haven’t discussed boundaries yet? I’ve got you. 

Check out a few of the main concerns and conversation starters below to help shape concrete boundaries and guidelines for a smooth transition into taking a break.

, the main focus before taking a break should be to remove all or as many as possible co-dependencies that are currently entwined in your lives to truly be able to focus on yourselves and growth during this time away. Make the best of the break and use it to work on yourself, reflect, explore, and heal, then, 

 bring the best version of yourself back to the relationship, or back into the world.

(From your relationship). Here are seven things to consider.

Thinking about taking a break?

Time and time again, we stick to our usual course(s) of actions even though it may not be producing results- it's what you know, is easy, and provides a level of comfort! If you want something different (better results), you've got to do something new. Routinely, we blame the dating pool for being awful (and don't get me wrong, there are a lot of terrible aspects to it), when in reality, it's 

 we have to work on. We can't change what's out there, but we 

 be more intentional in dating, becoming intensely self-aware, focusing on our own growth, and becoming the best version of ourselves. One easy question to ask is, would you (truly) even date yourself?

It's easy to do with rose-colored glasses on but start paying attention to things that partners show you about themselves early on. They aren't going to change for you, and as much as you may want to be, you won't be the exception. Trust your intuition, your body will give you signs almost immediately about individuals - people tend to think that butterfly excitement feeling is a spark when it's actually our nervous system setting off our fight, flight, or freeze mechanism. We tend to play out narratives from our past because it's what we know and what we feel comfortable with (even though it may be unsafe or miserable), because what we don't know we fear even more. Look for a calm and safe feeling when you meet someone, not the "Oh my god I don't know if I should text them back yet because I need to play it cool because I 

 I like them so much!"- feeling. This will only continue to exacerbate itself and you won't be your true self in those moments either. Why? Because the right one won't even waiver on your needs, wants, and peculiarities. This brings us to the next topic...

The more you are in truth with yourself about your needs, your wants, your insecurities, shortcomings, strengths, and so on, the easier things will begin to flow back into your life as such. People pleasing, being overly co-dependent, or living your life to someone else's standards (or even your own unrealistic standards) will never allow the stars to align for you.

Ah, the hot topic of energy discussion. Well, where do you usually sit on the energy spectrum? Are you trying to control and lead things in relationships or are you open to being led and receiving? These are huge factors in not only being someone who others want to commit to long term but also in finding a partner that will do the same.

, lean into your masculine energy and take the lead. 

, lean into your feminine to be open to receiving.

The caveats here though are that women can only be in their full feminine energy with a partner who allows and makes them feel safe and supported. And men too can only be in their leading masculine energy if it is allotted to them. Many women who are stuck in their masculine and anxious energy tend to try and take the reins (because we don't feel that safety and support yet)- but let the men show you they can (

) lead. This will make your options so much more clear and being able to live within these energies will only become easier and more rewarding with practice of course!

Are you having a hard time transitioning from situationships to relationships? It’s common for people to stick with the same old dating habits they've used forever that clearly don't work for them. Check out how you can change it up.

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