This specific topic comes up in sessions 

. Usually, one half of the partnership is interested in opening up the relationship, and the other half is either 

. doesn’t know enough about it or how to get started in a comfortable and 

 way. With that in mind, let's go through some of the key points to reflect on and discuss with your partner 

If your partner is the one who initiated this conversation, the first thing I really want you to think about is, is getting on board with your partner's request something you actually 

 to do. Too often opening up a relationship begins and progresses as a very one-sided dynamic. When both individuals aren't fully on board, I promise you, it will not work nor end well. In an effort to avoid that happening, the questions below offer the opportunity to reflect on and discuss this new dynamic with your partner.

Is this request coming from a place of unresolved issues?

Will opening up the relationship actually make you or your partner 'happy'? or is this a bandaid to a much larger internal or marital/relationship issue? If yes, it will make you or them happier, what about the new dynamic is going to bring you or your partner said happiness? Is it the sex, the attention, the conversation, the gifts, etc.? 

If your partner is the one who initiated the conversation, ruminate on the reasons they list and if they are areas of the relationship that you may not have been showing up in. Ask your partner if the reasons they mention are things that 

 are able to bring to the table and if the relationship can be repaired internally before opening up the relationship to have those needs met elsewhere.

In the latter case of the above question, what would working on the relationship internally look like? Is it making time to spend uninterrupted quality time together every day? Scheduled date days/nights? Maybe it's having mutual intimate initiation or even exploring different aspects of intimacy, kinks, or fetishes you've not yet tried. Think about what would need to be implemented to ensure success within your relationship.

In the former case of the above question, seek clarification on what your partner is actually looking for in becoming ethically non-monogamous (ENM). Are they seeking polyamory, an open relationship, casual sex, swinging, cuckolding, threesomes, etc? All of these are very different and it's best to know ahead of time so there's no confusion later.

Reflect on how an open relationship could benefit your current relationship dynamic (and you in general). Think along the lines of emotional, physical, sexual, etc. Discuss this with your partner as well so you can understand their perspective and they yours.

“Okay sweet, I’m in!” Amazing! If you’re on board, the next best step is to create boundaries and guidelines around your ideal situation. 

Discuss what the new dynamic would ideally look like, what you’re both hoping for out of this change, and the boundaries and guidelines that will be put in place to ensure comfort on both ends. 

Example boundary and guideline topics to discuss to get the ball rolling in the right direction:

Clarify what version of ENM you'll be practicing

What will sexual and physical safety look like within the new dynamic?

Is this a change you will share openly about or something that will be kept private?

Will you tell one another about the experiences had with others, or is this something you’re not interested in hearing? 

How will you continue to maintain your current partners' needs?

Do we communicate well enough to avoid possible conflict?

What insecurities will I (we) possibly need to face?

What (if anything) are you not looking forward to?

, both partners need to be in full agreement about the boundaries and guidelines of this new dynamic, as ethical non-monogamy requires consent from all parties. This is only possible when you ensure everyone is comfortable and able to get what they need and want from the new dynamic.

In the end, the decision to work on your relationship internally, open it up, or even end the relationship entirely, comes down to you and your partners' happiness, safety, and goals for the relationship. Taking the time needed to reflect, confront, and have important and informed discussions around the issue will make it that much easier and overall fulfilling.

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Whether you're initiating the opening up of your relationship or have been asked by your partner, here are a few things you'll want to consider before moving forward.

Thinking about opening up your marriage or relationship?